Monday, May 31, 2004

RANCE

I have been reading Rance's blog. Rance claims to be a bona fide actor/celebrity, and from his writing, I can believe it. (Rumor has it he's Owen Wilson, but who knows.) He's also very, very funny.

This though is from an even funnier guest blogger:

Name: Jacob
URL: http://www.yankeefog.com
E-Mail: yankeefog@yankeefog.com


If I were in charge of Fox, I would hire creative and talented writers, directors, and actors, and then I would leave them alone and let them do their jobs.

Hahahaha!

Hahaha!

Ha!

No, seriously, what I'd really do is, I'd buy a beautiful, sensitive script that speaks honestly about love, and then I would ask the writer to put in fart jokes, and when he resisted, I would decide he was "written out", so I'd bring in a guy whose work I've never actually read but who once worked in the business office of the Harvard Lampoon, and I'd have him do a punch up. Then I'd use that script to attract an aging action star who is smart enough to know that the public doesn't want to see him do action anymore, and he wants to broaden his range, which is why he is attracted to this script. His one objection is the fart jokes, which seem to spoil the mood of the film, and I agree with him completely, and promise to fire the writer who put them in. Once this actor is onboard, I would bring in another writer to make the script just like every other action movie this star has done. Then I'd attach a director who directed a really great Pepto-Bismal spot. Two days before production started, when the star finally looked at the shooting script and realized that it wasn't the sensitive and honest film he thought he was signing on for, I'd listen to his concerns with complete sympathy and agreement, and then respond to them by firing the director. In his place I would put somebody whose work I had never seen, but who went to USC (either the film program or the school of hotel management, I forget which) and therefore must be good.

When the film tanks, because the action star was right about the fact that audiences do not want to see him in yet another fart-joke-filled, derivative action movie, I will shrug, sigh, and point out that I did everything I could. I attached a big name star to the project, hired not just one but two promising young directors, and, above all, had three seperate writers polishing the script, which of course makes the script three times as good as one written by a single author. Hey, who can predict the audience?

About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser.

(Jacob, if you object to my quoting you here, do write.)

3:40 AM

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